131 Days

It is now 131 days since my cochlear implant processor died. That is 3,144 hours, 4.30 months and almost 19 weeks without hearing. 

That is a lot of numbers. Math has never been my strongest point in education, but even I can say that this is a lot of numbers. These numbers really don't mean anything though; not when it comes down to the nitty gritty of every day life this past four months. 

I have always had a hearing problem. It has gotten worse over the years but I can honestly say that this is the worst period of hearing loss I have endured so far. The last time I was in this much despair, it was ten and a half years ago when I suddenly lost the rest of it after mowing the lawn. Up to that point, I had been wearing hearing aids, which were largely ineffective to some degree but it was all I had known. I did well with them. Getting a cochlear implant was not on my mind then. I was getting ready to go to the Rocky Mountains with Mike and our twin toddlers. I had never dreamed that I would lose the rest of my hearing, though I don't know why I didn't think of that because I had been losing my hearing steadily over the years. The hearing aid was working just fine for me then. 

I endured 10 months back then without hearing anything other than tinnitus and maybe some loud noise on occasion. I still wore my hearing aid, though it was ineffective at that point. I was a nervous mom of twin boys that were two and a half. 

It is now ten years later. My cochlear implant processor was getting old and Cochlear had sent a memo saying that it was outdated and they would no longer make the spare parts for it or even make it. We were in the process of ordering me a new processor, an updated version with all of its whistles and bells, when my processor finally died. It stopped working. Just. Like. That.

I didn't even have a back up pair. When I had my surgery, the audiologist then kept the back up pair even though it was mine. She just never gave it to me. I don't know why. I just never got a back up pair. 

I have been without hearing for that long. This may not seem like a long time to some people, but for me it is a lifetime of missing out on a lot of things.

I have missed out on hearing my sons' voices;
hearing their laughter;
hearing one of them recite a part in their Christmas program; 
hearing their church Christmas program;
on going to church;
listening to music especially my favorite Christmas songs;
listening for the phone;
talking on the phone;
missing out on conversations;
being able to hear my sons while they are talking to me about their day; 
listening to the birds singing;
listening to my husband's voice as we talk;
being able to carry on a conversation without missing anything or having to repeat something; 
understanding people;
being able to speak clearly and audibly;
being able to handle an emergency situation independently; 
feeling safe in the car as I am driving somewhere; 
and to be able to hear everything that I used to.

I went through a lot of changes this past four months. We just put our house up for sale as my husband transferred his job to another city in another state. My mom went in the hospital for a routine procedure and ended up spending two weeks in cardiac intensive care. That was a fun challenge trying to read the foreign doctors' lips and trying to keep up with all the medical issues that were going on. I couldn't call Mike whenever I felt like it because I wouldn't be able to hear. Texting can only go so far. 

I could get another processor anytime I wanted to, but the insurance company is making it impossible for me to get one. It is a covered benefit since it is a medical necessity (and a safety issue as well), but they want us to pay $10,000 upfront. Then they'll reimburse us ... if they do reimburse us. We don't have that kind of money. Even if we weren't in the middle of making a move, we don't have that kind of money. To make things even more interesting, one of Nick's processor is totally smashed. He doesn't have a back up pair either since his back up pair quit working awhile ago. 

I understand big business. They look at issues in black and white. Having to spend at least $10,000 for one processor is a lot of money, not to mention the mapping fee, the audiologist's fee and even the equipment fee. I understand all that. That is not my problem though. We pay for the insurance. Yes, Mike's employer pays for a lot of the costs too, but we pay for it. We pay with the expectation that it would make available certain things that we need to have done. This is one of them. 

I sincerely hope that I will not have to go another 131 days before I get to hear again.